Could Somebody Pass Me My Magic Wand?

I’m still dealing with the whole heights thing in aerial dance.  Whoa.  You want me to do what?  With one hand?  Up this high?  You’re crazy.What if I drop to my flailing, weak-ass, ungraceful death?  Or worse, what if I drop unseemly (toes not pointed) panicked and shrieking, break and arm and live to tell about it? No thanks.

Same deal, closer to the ground.  Tumbling.  Ok, so I’m going to run…jump, head back, body flips, hips lead … back – hypothetically – does not break.

Say what?  I run like a girl?  More chins than China?  My left hand appears to be super-glued to the ground?  And I thought I had great body awareness.  How about a high 5 for learning curves.

Dance, more specifically hoop dance.  I’m sick of everything I do, aren’t you?  (please note everything is both italicized and bold) Ok, step it up Laura, let’s add in a toss. I never do tosses on stage.  Too much possibility for disaster.  Expensive lighting, computers, instruments…not to mention humans – and humans I admire, all lurking in primo firing range with big red bulls eye targets on them.   And who could forget the ever-awkward hands-free moment after your hoop (insert: pacifer, crutch) leaves you alone and vulnerable wondering what went wrong. But I’m going to try. This time, I’m going for it.

Oh what was that? You psyched yourself out and delivered vanilla?  Way-to-go.  It’s amateur hour and your the guest of honor.  Take a deep bow and wave to your unimpressed, overstimulated audience.  See you next time…or maybe not.

Here’s one.  How about completely unfounded fears for future events that haven’t even happened yet?  That’s a real good one to fixate on.  I have this big presentation next week.  Public speaking AND hooping.  Talking about the merging of my two worlds to the Boulder start-up/entrepreneurial/tech scene.  I have all these things in my favor to blow their socks off.  One, and most obvious is that I’m presenting to a largely (and by largely I mean overwhelmingly) male audience.  Cute girl thing?  No problem.  Two. I will actually be hooping while I present.  Hypnotic circle dance thing?  Check.  Three.  I’ve seen others present and know I could do better.  Overconfident Sagittarian thing?  Yup, got it.

But the what-ifs are shredding my dreams, delivering cold sweats and dry heaves for no freakin’ reason.  I’m reading this book about being creative in writing.  One chapter is called; ‘Remember You’re Not Saving Lives.’  I really have to remind myself of this like twice a day…I’m that worried.

Pansy.

Oh let’s see what else?  The usual.  Financial, relational, professional.  If you can dream it up, odds are I’m worried about it.  Add a weeks + worth of rain, cloud and snowy weather and I’m slumming through the trenches of a full-throttle anxiety attack sprinkled with soul-sucking doubts, (heavy on melancholy moods, please).

And you know, I’m even more pathetic than first glance because there are so many REAL things in this life to loose sleep over.  What I’m beginning to come to terms with is all this imagined hypothetical fear can be chalked up to the suffocatingly high standards I hold myself to.  I want to be amazing at everything – immediately. Whala! Pass me my magic wand please.

To know that you can do something and to actually do it, I’m learning, are 2 very different things.  To want to grow and learn the new, and to actually hold space to allow that to happen in a healthy way are also 2 very different things.

My mom mentioned to me that she’s learned to distinguish between joy and happiness as a way of working through life’s disappointments. I have yet to fully understand her view, but this is the sense I’ve made of it:  Joy is in the process.  Joy is falling and laughing yourself up.  Joy is knowing you’re here, showing up, trying over and over and over…joy is failing, and starting anew.

Am I happy about where I am with my tumbling, dancing, aerial-ing, writing, speaking, blah, blah blah??  No.  No I’m not.  Can I learn to focus on the joy?  Well, that there’s the rub.

~ by shaktisunfire on April 20, 2009.